Category: Uncombed Thoughts

Making gingerbread cookies. Sasha is playing nearby. Listening to Christmas music. Thinking: what if another Jesus is already born. What if it is my or your kid, or your neighbor kid, or a kid in your kid’s class? What if all of them have the potential to become the one? Or what if it is not about The One this time, what if it is about All Together? How would we treat our kids if we know that they are not only our kids, but Saviors as well? What skills would we teach them? What truths? How differently would we treat ourselves? What standards would be hold for ourselves to influence and inspire our kids? Just something to think about….

Сижу на кухне, пью Малбек, слушаю “но я остаюсь”, читаю Фаину Раневскую – гремучая смесь и мне хорошо…. не классно, не здорово, а просто хорошо, и от этого хорошо тоже….

I was making Russian pancakes, listening to online radio where iconic Russian singer Vladimir Vysotsky was singing his stories (it seems that I remember his voice for as long as I remember myself). And I was thinking that here I am in my brand new kitchen that is absolutely lovely and totally practical (a product of endless debates, negotiations, sacrifices between me and my husband – I call it synergy ;)), on the opposite side of the globe from where I was born, in a different country I love and now call my home. I have a wonderful husband and amazing sons; I even have a dog – my childhood dream that didn’t come true while I was a child.

I was thinking why do I have all this? Why am I so lucky and so blessed? What did I do personally to be at the place I am in my life right now?

The answer that it is just some terrible mistake has been haunting me for a while…. Then I thought maybe it is a “paying forward” thing….

At this moment, as I’m writing to you, I think maybe it is the ultimate test for my soul – when you have seemingly everything – anything else is up to who you really are at your core: what will I do now, when I don’t need to survive, when my basic needs are taken care of – will I be a parasite, will I stagnate; or will I grow, develop and contribute….

Uncombed thoughts – wanted to share while they are fresh, otherwise I’ll not share them at all….

I love books. Good books.  Books that are mine, not by ownership but by “meant to be” (they usually end up to be mine “by ownership” anyway). I love to read.

I used to feel uneasy that I didn’t read all the books we have in our house: if you bought the book you must read it cover to cover otherwise it is waste of money.  B.S.B.S. In fact, it is totally cool to have books that you didn’t read yet – you can pick up something from your own bookshelf and read.  And enjoy.  And you don’t have to read it through up to the end.  Read it, put it back until the next call when you’ll come and pick it again.

Good books are like life – it is not about coming to the end, it is about the process.

I usually read several books at the same time and it is not a fact that I’ll finish them all.  Maybe some of them will remain half-readed forever.  And that’s all right.  Every book is a conversation between you and an author, you and another person.  Books like people – they come to our life for a reason (and with some of those you have to think very hard to come to conclusion why they popped up in your space), or for a season, or for a lifetime.  And who said that you must to listen to everything every person you meet in your life has to say?  even if they are brilliant according to others and everybody around love to listen to them….    Same with books.

I love our home library.  It is not  extensive by any means, but it consists of the books that were soulfully selected: not only they found their way into our house, but they also managed to stay through book de-cluttering events I do time to time.
I love our home library.  I know the books we have.  I don’t know them entirely, word to word, page to page, but I know where to find something when I needed.  When I want to read, or I should say to talk with somebody wise, I pick up something from a shelf, or a nightstand, or  a kitchen counter…..   and read it…..   and I enjoy the conversation….   and sometimes it is not what I want to hear, but it’s almost always what I need to hear at the moment….

People you read become your friends, you peers, your cabinet.  Just choose wisely whom you want in your space.

I was watering my ferns.

I love ferns.  I love them for no obvious reasons.  Maybe, it is ancient memory of old times when my prehistoric relatives were hiding in them from sable-tooth tigers.  Or maybe not.

And, actually, do we really need reasons to love something or somebody?  I just love my ferns.  I do.

As I was watering my ferns and enjoying being with them, I noticed how careful I am around these plants doing everything for not damaging any leaves.

Then I noticed a few pots that used to host green and healthy ferns, and now host something dry and ugly.  And I thought that I would never purposefully do anything active to hurt my plants, and at the same time, when I am caught in business of everyday life, I can easily forget to water them… as a result more gentle of them die, and  the more sturdy suffer silently…

Hmmmm…. Something to think about….

It reminded me of relationships – to have flourishing ones it is not enough not hurting each other, it also requires consistent energy and time investment.
And then I was thinking of people I love, who used to be in my life and whom I would love to have in my life, and  I don’t anymore…

And then I was thinking of people I do have in my life and how blessed I am to have these “sturdy ferns”.  Who are they?  Am I here for them? Do I nourish our relationships?

I was watering my ferns…

Had two profound (in my world) lessons around feedback/feedforward in the past few days.

On Saturday, I got some feedback from people who love me, and I had this interesting reaction around that feedback.  All I had in mind was: “they just didn’t understand me… they don’t know me… they don’t understand me…. they will never understand me… nobody ever understands me…. blah-blah-blah-blah… ”,  and a bodily reaction and emotional reaction that were hard to ignore.  After an hour of self pity and inner whining, I realized that actually they were precisely right with their feedback.  Now it’s up to me to act on it, or to ignore it and keep doing what I’ve always done while expecting a different level of satisfaction .

My learnings from this:

First, if feedback arouses emotions – it’s a good indicator that there is something useful in this feedback. The bigger the emotions around it – the bigger the potential to affect future outcomes this feedback has.

Second, if ten people tell you that you are a donkey – time to check your behind for a tail.

And then, I had another epiphany: people who drive me crazy the most (in a good way, in a bad way, doesn’t matter) – they are the people I need the most in my life in order to grow and progress. In some sense they are angels helping me to become the best I can become.

I had a blast this morning.  It still brings a smile to my face and “inner-giggling” when I think about it.   I changed my perspective in looking at someone’s behaviour that used to drive me crazy (or to put it in the right way, someone’s behaviour I used to choose to be driven crazy by) and realized that it’s me in front of me… mirror effect.   I was: “It’s me… me….  me…” like in the conversation between Phil and Rita in “Groundhog Day” where she describes the man of her dreams:
Phil: Who is your perfect guy?
….
Rita: Intelligent, supportive, funny.
Phil: Intelligent, supportive, funny….. me…. me…  me.
Rita: He is romantic and courageous.
Phil: me also
…
And it goes on and on.  LOL.  Totally cool!  There is still energy in my relationships with this person but it changed from destructive to productive.

I got a whole new meaning to the idea that when you point your finger at someone accusing this person in something, three bent fingers are pointing back at you.

Keith Cunningham says “Hell on Earth is meeting the person you could have been”. People who drives us crazy are here to protect us from that self-created Hell….

Off for a busy wonderful day,

Love you,

Natasha